Funny Happenings in Check-out Lines

One would think with the economic recession that checkout lines would be shorter.  The other day a lady at Wal-Mart asked, “Is it always this crowded?”  I giggled and told her it was the first of the month check time.  From Arkansas, she was spending a few days at Foscue Park in Demopolis.  I told her that when people came to Demopolis, a trip to Wal-Mart was a “must” and that she should have been at the Grand Opening.  The new Super Store guaranteed more products with fewer associates to check you out.

The other night I thought I had a clear shot to a speedy exit when I noticed that the 20 items of less line had two people in it.  I rushed for some puppy chow and quickly got in line.  The first lady had one item and the young man in front of me had two.  I miscalculated again.  For some reason, the plastic cash would not calculate.   

After this, I decided to write an article about my checkout experiences that I have logged.  They have become rather humorous.  I am always excited to see what novel process I will encounter.  The other day a lady paid her bill with 63 one-dollar bills.  It was so refreshing to see someone pay with cash.  It startled the cashier to see that many dollar bills that she miscounted, counting 62.  She counted again and got 61.  The lady paying counted them and got 62.  The cashier counted again and got 62.  I laughed to myself while trapped in the aisle between the two financial whizzes in front and one lady growing very impatient behind me.  I was ready to give the lady a dollar just to get out.

It is fun to watch paper jam in the receipt printer, checks jam in the thing-a-ma-jig that processes your payment, and have the ink run out when it fails to jam the paper or the checks.

One night I got behind a customer who had one or two items remaining.  I thought it must be my lucky night.  I hurried in the line only to watch a WIC check not process.  The customer had two buggies of items and all I could see was the cashier swiping all the items again.  The cashier flicked on the dreaded blinking light and waited for someone with higher powers than her and the WIC check to clear up the chaos.  It is total exasperation when the dreaded blinking light comes on for a price check and then the haggling and bartering between the omnipotent associate and the tenacious customer begins over the price posted on the shelve and the one attached on the item.

I witnessed a cashier walk off one night.  Another time the cashier would pick up an item, examine it, swipe it, examine it again, place it in a bag, and look at her watch.  Checkout was very slow, so I started a conversation.  She told me that she got off work in ten minutes and she did not want to check out another customer.

Customers can be rude.  One time as I waited a new line opened and the cashier motioned for me to come.  I was so excited and started over when suddenly a lady, with the precision and speed of a Talladega driver, darted in front of me.  Being kind, I let her go.  She did not even say thanks.  At Food World, a young girl broke in line ahead of me.  She had some unmentionable items, so I figured she needed to go in a hurry.  Before she checked out, another dude broke in front of me.  I gave him the patented “Hopper Look” and said, “It must be Break In Front Of Bobby Day!”  The patented Hopper Look is another story.

Late one night in The Demopolis Food World, the main computer system in Birmingham shut down all the computers to update.  Talk about chaos, it was mass confusion.  Lines were three to four deep.  The poor cashiers apologized, but people who are used to having it now get very restless when they have to wait.  It is the fear of total annihilation by fire from money burning in their pockets that causes the tension.

The best checkout was up home at the Clanton Wal-Mart.  I saw my wife’s dad’s first cousin’s daughter running a checkout line.  I told her I would talk when I got ready to leave.  Upon entering the checkout, she said, “Bobby Hopper, I can’t check you out because we’re kin.”

I responded by saying, “Jackie, we ain’t kin.”

As she swiped items, I put the product separator higgy-ma-dodgie thing between my items and the other customer.

Jackie said, “Bobby Hopper, you fool, I can’t check you out.”

Jackie flipped on the dreaded blinking light.  When the omnipotent associate arrived, she wanted to know what the problem was.  You guessed it.  I was.

Jackie said, “I told this fool I couldn’t check him out cause we’re kin.”

The wise associate said it was the policy of Wal-Mart not to check out relatives.  I told her that we were not related that Jackie was my father-in-law’s second cousin.

The omnipotent associate assured me that I was.  I asked the associate, “If I was considered kin to Jackie, how in the world did Wal-Mart checkout anyone in Chilton County.  Everyone is that close?” 

The light continued to blink as the all-knowing associate checked me out.  Each time I checkout I expect something to happen.  I ask the Lord what He is trying to teach me.  The anticipation of Christmas shopping checkout is exhilarating.

Teach me good judgment and knowledge (Psalm 119:66a KJV).