Dad's Words of Wisdom

 

For Mother’s Day I had a long list of things that momma said.  I cannot do the same for Father’s Day.  Daddy told me more things than momma did, but most of them cannot be published in this article.  Daddy’s vocabulary was mostly vulgar words, barnyard terminology.  His language was crude and base before his salvation.  Daddy was very outspoken and one did not have to wonder where or how he stood on a subject.  Here are a few words of wisdom that are permissible:

Your generation has no gumption.

Kids your age are sorry and don’t know how to work.

If the sun don’t come up, what are you going to do about it?

If you don’t stop walking on the sides of your feet, you’ll be cripple by the time you're fifty.

You’d better say yes mam, no mam, yes sir, no sir.

Always take up for those who can’t take up for themselves.

You better not make fun of handicapped or disabled.

Dead folks can’t hurt you, it’s living ones that do.

If you made the bed, you gotta sleep in it.

It will rain when the Master gets ready for it to rain.

Cutting firewood warms you twice.

If you get in jail, you will stay there.

Don’t point that gun at anything unless you intend to kill it.

You can stay at home as long as you want, but you got to help your momma with groceries.

Take that hat off at the table.

Somebody say grace (This was for every meal.)

There is no such thing as a free meal.

If the government gives you something, they will tell you how to live.

You will vote and register for the draft, too many men and women died for our rights.

Treat people like you want to be treated.

A bought lesson is a learned lesson.

Hindsight is always 20/20.

In a hundred years, who gives a care?

 

Daddy taught me about life.  My love for history, motorcycles, and hot rods come from daddy.  He taught me how to split firewood with an ax and how to run a chain saw to cut paperwood.  He taught me how to repair junk, which most folks refer to as “rigging” but I call it “fixin’.”  He taught me to respect people, especially adults and old folks.  He taught me respect of guns and how to use them, especially killing hogs, and then butchering them.  He taught me how to handle a bully; you beat the snot out of them. 

He taught me generosity.  I remember when planting corn by hand daddy would say, “One for the Master, one for the birds, one to rot, and one for me.”  Daddy shared our garden with everyone.  He was always willing to give folks a “mess of corn, peas, okra,” etc.  When folks helped us “kill hogs,” daddy always made sure that they got a “mess of meat.”  He knew whom and who not to tell, “Get all you want.”  Some people were like a plague of locusts when given the opportunity to “get a mess.” Daddy lived this way: Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously (II Corinthians 9:6 NIV).

The Bible speaks of generosity:

 

Give generously to him and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the LORD your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to. Deuteronomy 15:10

 

The wicked borrow and do not repay, but the righteous give generously; Psalm 37:21

 

You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.  This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God (II Corinthians 9:11-12 NIV).

What's Your Name?

 Men have comraderie and when grouped together, give one another nicknames.  Elijah P. Brown says that men in mining, military, and lumber give one another names.  He notes that primitive people gave one another names such as Buffalo Face, Kill Deer, Eagle Eye, and Sitting Bull.  Nicknames tell something about a person’s characteristics, bodily features, or dispositions.

I had a nickname or two in school.  In the sixth grade, a classmate saw the Hollywood gossip columnist Hedda Hopper on television.  Hedda was the mother of William Hopper who played Paul Drake, Perry Mason’s private detective.  Hedda wore large hats.  My classmate thought I might be kin to her and it would be neat to call me “Hedda”.  Today when someone calls, “Hey, Hedda,” I know it is a classmate.  Others would call me Hippity Hopper, Grasshopper, Clem Kadiddlehopper, Clodhopper and Bubba.

Having spent most of my adult life in the cement industry, I worked with men who had nicknames and I acquired a nickname or two there myself.  I worked with Meathead, Big Ugly, Round Head, Danny Mac, Bubba, Slim, Smiley, Smithy, Wild Bill, Big Dave, Red, Cotton, Radio, Reron, Grunt, and Gourd Head.  There were supervisors named Buffy, Squirrelly, Snake Doctor, Killer, and Paw Paw. There are many more but some are inappropriate for this article.

The assistant plant manager called me Peewee.  One friend called me Barbara Ann.  Another called me Whopper.  After I became a pastor, they called me Preacher.  The name that became the one most remembered is Maytag.  It came during the time I negotiated contracts between the company and the union.  I got it, not because of the dependability of a washing machine, but because I was a good “agitator.” 

Others called me the “Great Mediator” because of the hundreds of grievances I settled, the many arbitrations I reconciled, and four contracts I bargained.  When I hear “Old Maytag”, I know it is from someone that worked at the cement plant or someone that agrees with the nickname.

Fathers give their children nicknames.  My daddy called me “Shag” after the character on Scooby Doo.  He said that my shaggy hair and few little whiskers made me look like Shag.  He called one of my brothers “Lard” and my sister “Sister”.  He called my brothers and me “Bocephus” most of the time.  Daddy also had some that I have to censor.

In my family today Andy is “Andy Pandy”, Angela is “Angel” or “Little Lulu” and Aaron is “Doodle Bug” or “Precious Life”,  and I am “Dad” or sometimes “The Big Man”.  Now that I have grandchildren, I am Poppie.

God gave Jesus a nickname or two.  Elijah P. Brown says the Bible has 256 names for Jesus.  These names reveal something about the life, the work, and the nature of our Lord.

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The mighty God, the everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6 KJV).

Peter Walked on Water, Larry Did Cartwheels

 The other day I had a flash back to an eventful day at the river.  I do not spend much time in the river since I saw the movie Jaws.  You notice I said in the river.  As a kid, I never gave a second thought to jumping into a creek, pond, river, or lake, but the movie Jaws changed all that.

It is a good thing I had never seen the movie when I dove into the lake at Rainbow City.  I went running down the pier and took a dive that would have been the envy of most Olympic swimmers.  My brother-in-law Tony and cousins said when I dove in the river, the shad jumped out.  The sight was hilarious.  I know what you are thinking, but I was tall and lanky back then and the lake was large.

When I surfaced, Tony and his cousins were screaming in excitement.  I was clueless to what was happening, but when those shad were trying to get away from me, they were striking my boney legs and I thought I had jumped into a school of piranha.  I panicked and got out as quick as I could.

I have always wanted a home on a creek, pond, river, or lake.  It is soothing and tranquil watching the water.  Sometimes when I had the time, I would spend a few moments of solitude watching the Tombigbee River flowing through Demopolis.  Watching the river is therapeutic, especially at night and eating a Big Jack, fries, and hot apple pie.

I remember the Montgomery riverboat ride the night we had a class reunion.  Seeing the lights as we approached Montgomery on the Alabama River will always hold my memory as that romantic moment unfolded.  It was a perfect ending to a wonderful day with classmates.

I spent most of my summer Sundays after church at Bulldog Bend on the little Cahaba River.  At Bulldog Bend there was a swing hanging from a tree overlooking the bend in the river.  In the middle of the bend was a platform made of metal drums and wood.  It was held in place by two cables attached to another cable that spanned the river.

To swing meant to climb a two-stage platform built beside the tree.  The swing looked like a triangle mounted on a rectangle with a center bar.  My friend JJ, from another story, had mastered the art of exiting the swing before it peaked and could sail through the air, baggies flopping in the wind, out to the platform.  Another friend, Butch, slapped the platform on his way down.

Swinging on the tree swing was difficult.  My friend, “Butter Bean,” did not have enough arm strength to swing from the tree platform.  The downward force was too great and Butter Bean would bounce and flop off the bank into the river.

The floating platform was about ten feet square.  That is where the girls watched the boys display their aerobatic skills as the exited the swing.  The guys watched the girls.  Ultimately, someone would want to play king of the floating platform.  It is the water version of “king of the hill.”  Someone would grab the two cables that anchored the platform and start it to rocking.  Eventually it would turn upside down.

One Sunday I was on the float when someone turned it over.  As went flying backwards, the two cables that held it in place trapped my outstretched arms and legs to the upside down float.  I took gasps of air each time I bobbed to the surface.  I'm glad God had a plan for me.

Talk about flying through the air.  Let me get to that eventful day at the river.  One summer around a weekend or two before or after Independence Day, my buddies, Donnis, Larry, Rickey, Tony, and I were skiing on Lay Lake.  We happened upon some classmates that invited us to try their slalom board.  Don, one from their group, was a master at the slalom board.  George, another one of their group, had a souped-up ski rig that would fly.  Don and George would ride the board as the boat did a “pop the whip” move.  They could circle the boat twice, sometimes almost three times.

They invited us to try.  Our group could not ride it sitting down.  Tony and I decided, with a little encouragement I might add, to ride the slalom board together as George and his crew “popped us on the whip.”

The first time Tony and I sailed around the ski boat we thought we had it made.  That was until my leg slipped off the slalom board and swiped Tony off like a cartoon character.  I can still hear Tony yelling, “LEAN, LEAN, LEAN” as we disappeared into the cold murky waters. After a third attempt, we were able to circle the boat.

My cousin Larry went solo.  For some reason, I think it my have been to show off to the bathing beauties on the bank, George “popped the whip” with Larry towards the public landing.  What happened next is unbelievable.  When George slung Larry around the boat, Larry did three cartwheels on top of the water before plunging into the Lay Lake.  We feared that he was going to cartwheel onto shore.

Every time I read about Peter walking on the Sea of Galilee, I think of Larry cart wheeling on Lay Lake.

 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.  And he said, Come.  And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus (Matthew 14:28-29 KJV).